Jokes

Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Cadbury's cream egg?
The cream egg is more expensive to lick out.

"My cat took first prize at the bird show".
"Your cat took first prise at the bird show-how did he manage that?"
"He ate the prize canary".

Whats the difference between JFK and Clinton?
One had his head blown off the other was assassinated.

There was a young man from Cowes,
Who sucked shite from pensioner's bowels,
On top of all this he drank prostitutes piss,
And the drippings from sanitary towels.

Whats brown and sits on a wall ?
Humpty's dump!

How does a gay man fake an orgasm ?
He throws a pot of warm yoghurt on your back.

A beautiful young girl is about to have an operation. She's laid on a trolley and wheeled in to the corridor. The nurse leaves her outside the operating theatre and goes to tell the surgeon she's ready. A young man in a white coat walks over, lifts up the girl's sheet and examines her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and has a look aswell. Then a third man comes over and lifts the sheet. Then the girl loses her temper and becomes angry. "Are these examinations strictly necessary?" she complains. "I've no idea" says the man, "We're just here to paint the ceiling"

What's got glasses and a wet nose ?
A short sighted gynaecolagist.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my
wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup