Jokes

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

my computer once beat me at chess......................but it was no match 4 me at kickboxin.



Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do wat is says on the aspirin bottle..............take 2 n keep away from children

One night a policeman shines his torch on a man and his girlfriend making out in a parked car. "We aren't doing anything, officer!" cries the man. "Really?" says the policeman, "well in that case I'll get in the car and you can take the torch."

Apparantly the best way to get a strong cup of tea is to agitate the bag....

So I always shout at the bitch before she goes into the kitchen!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

When my wife is pregnant, her female friends rub her stomach & congratulate her. How come none rub my cock & say, "Well done".

A baby seal walks into a club...


Gets me every time that little sucker

A bloke is walking past a driveway when he sees a man putting up a sign that says, "Boat for sale". The man looks around but all he can see is a clapped-out caravan and a rusty old jeep. "Excuse me,, the bloke says. "Where's the boat? all i can see for sale here are a caravan and a jeep" "Yeah, mon," replies other man with a smile. "And dem boat for sale!"

1st Girl, Any idea what your getting for your birthday?

2nd Girl, A bunch of red roses.

1st Girl, What,s wrong with that?

2nd Girl, After i get the roses, i dont feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air.

1st Girl, Dont you have a vase?

A man sees six men kicking and punching his mother in law. His wife says "aren't you going to help?" The man replies "no need, six should be enough."

Did you hear about the man whose sex life was terrible? It was so bad that when he called one of the phone sex lines, the voice on the other end said "not tonight, I've got an earache."