Jokes

You've got fast paws rover!!!

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfrotunatley, 95% of them will spit it out.

A nurse is in an asylum doing her rounds. She sees Tom in his room pretending to drive a car. "I'm going to Bristol" he tells her. Later that day, the nurse comes by again and sees Tom pretending to park his car. "I'm in Bristol, I am" says Tom. The nurse then looks in on Tom's neighbour, Harry, and sees him frantically masturbating. "Harry! What on earth are you doing?!" she scolds. Harry replies "I'm screwing Tom's wife while he's out of town"

There is talk of Liverpool being taken over by the weekend...
By Wolves and West Ham.


Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release . . . . 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . . 'Of course honey' . . . . . 'Can I have you from behind?' . . . . . 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . . . 'OK, can I call you Pedro?

Teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not facinated.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight.....'

The teacher sat down and cried

**NEWSFLASH**

A lucky Liverpool fan has won the lottery and vowed to buy his beloved Liverpool with the winnings!!

Lucky bastard, imagine what he could have done if he had got four numbers!

A lady by the name of Linda Lykes, owns this pub (The Cock Inn ) in the sleepy little village of Erbum, (a suburb of the town of Tillet,) in Hertfordshire.

Therefore, her correct postal address is:


Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum,
Tillet,
Herts.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Glasgow but I worked both sides of the Clyde.'

Paddy & Murphy were sailing their boat in the sea, they both realised there was water coming into the boat through a hole, Paddy grabbed a saw and started sawing another hole. Murphy asks Paddy why he's sawing another hole in the boat to which Paddy replies "well u see Murphy, the water is gonna come in through this hole, and go out again through that hole."

Paddy & Murphy are walking down the road when Paddy find's a mirror on the floor. Paddy pick's it up and looks into it. "I know this guy in the mirror" he says. Murphy takes the mirror off him & looks into & says "Of course you know who it is, it's me you idiot."

Murphy asks Paddy how he got his black eye. "You'd never believe it," says Paddy, "But I got it in church, i was sitting behind a fat lady & when they stood for a hymn, i noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom, all I did was lean forward and pull it out & she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy. A week later Murphy was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.
"I found myself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom, my little nephew reached forward and pulled it out, but I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back in again."