Jokes

little johnny jumped on a bus and sits immediately behind the driver. johnny starts chanting at the top of his voice " if my mammy was a cow and my daddy was a bull .....then i would be a calf......if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram i would be a lamb.....if my mammy was a mare and my daddy was a stallion then i would be a foal.....if my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar i would be a piglet " the bus driver was getting fed and said to johnny " if your mammy was a prositute and your daddy a fucking wanker then what would you be ? johnny replied without a blink " then i'd be a fucking bus driver !!!

Dyslexic joke

A man walks into a bra
......

Two gays are dancing" when one suddenly notices the other has an erection . he asks " whats that about ?" the other gay replies " i can't help it" your dancing like an arsehole."

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."” So the good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and say,s " Ah i see youve regained consciousness, now you probably wont remember, but you were in a pile up on the motorway. You will walk again and everything but, " something happened, Im trying to break this gently but the fact is your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it. The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "youve got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact, but the thing is, it doesnt come cheap. It,s £1,000 an inch, "so" the doctor say,s its up to you how many inches you want, but its something you better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a 5 incher before and decide to go for a 9 incher she might be a bit put out, but if you had a 9 incher and decided to have a 5 incher she might be disapointed. So it,s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision. The man agrees to talk to his wife. The doctor comes back the next day "so" says the doctor, "have you spoken to your wife" i have said the man. And what is the decision? asks the doctor. " Were getting granite worktops"

An elderly man walks into a confessional...
Old Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I fucked each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Old Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Old Man: "I’m Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Old Man: "I’m 92 years old ... I’m telling everybody."

Bit controversial this one.... you've been warned....

A man goes into a pub and points at a beer tap. "Would you like a pint?" asks the barman. The man nods and the barman notices that the man has a huge scar across his throat. "Where did you get that?" asks the barman. The man manages to croak back "Falklands". The barman replies "blimey, well have this one on the house, mate. You boys did a hell of a job out there."

The man croaks back "muchos gracias."

A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his jokes spoilt by the ship's parrot. Every time he does a trick the parrot shouts
"It's in his pocket!" .... "4 of clubs" .... "It's got a false bottom."

The magician hates it.

Then one night, the ship sinks, and the magician and the parrot cling to a piece of driftwood.
For four days the parrot says nothing, just stares at the magician.

On the fifth day the parrot says "Ok, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

It's the 50th anniversary of the Flintstones today. It is said that people in Dubai don't get it. However, people in Abu Dhabi do.

A young boy is at home one day and asks his father a question. "Dad" he says, "Whats the difference between logic and reality?" His father replies "Well you go and ask your mum if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million." So the boy goes and asks his mum if she would and then comes back. "Mum said she would" says the boy. "Now you go and ask your sister if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million" says the father. So the boy goes off and asks his sister and then comes back again. "My sister said she would too" says the boy. "Now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million" says the father. So the boy goes and asks his brother and then comes back. "My brother said he would too" says the boy. "Well there's your answer then" says the dad. "I don't get it... what?" says the boy. "Well" replies the dad, "logically we're all 3 million pounds better off, but in reality we're living with two slappers and a faggot"