Jokes

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ? Virgin mobile

A woman walks into a chemists and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. "I want to kill my husband, he's cheating on me" she says. The pharmacist replies "lady, I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband, even if he is fooling around." So the woman pulls out a photograph of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. "Oh!" says the pharmacist, "Thats alright then, I didnt realise you had a prescription"

Whenever I'm giving my girlfiend anal, her arse makes a loud squeaky sound.

Turns out it's just her Ringtone.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A group of chess enthusiasts are standing in a hotel lobby discussing tournament victories. After an hour, the manager comes by and asks them to go to their rooms. "But why?" they ask as they move off. "Because" the manager replies, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Old People With New Technology!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my wind with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A woman gets on a train and finds herself sitting opposite a little old Scotsman wearing a kilt. "Excuse me" she says, "I hope you don't mind me asking but I've always wanted to know what a man wears under those things". The Scotsman replies "I'm a man o' few words, madam. Give me yer hand...."

My wife just can't keep away from the window, what with all the blizzards and kids throwing snowballs.

I suppose, eventually, I'll have to let her back in.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

In a little village called Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordhire lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of the village pub, the Cockwell Inn. For some reason she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post addressed to:

Linda Lykes
Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

2 elderly blokes sitting on a bench outside an old people's home.
One turns to the other and says
"I'm 87 now and full of aches & pains. How do you feel Bill?" Bill replies,
"Like a newborn baby."
"Really, like a newborn baby?"
"Yeah, no hair, no teeth and I've just shit myself!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Snow is like a willy.
It's measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and never gets as deep as you'd like it to.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy.
If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the arsehole in front of you.

Be careful this winter.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"