Jokes

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She tells him she has good news and bad news about their car. "OK" says the man, "give me the good news." His wife replies "The good news is... the air bag works..."

My mate bought some new aftershave called 'Chloroform'. His Missus complained that it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse.

An attractive female college student approaches her lecturer. "I'd do anything to pass my final exam, professor" she says.. "Anything at all..." The professor replies "You'd really do anything I wanted?" "Oh yes professor.." says the student, panting... The professor replies "would you.... study?"

I took a girl home after going out clubbing one night. After a few drinks at mine we went upstairs. While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said:
"I hope it's not that fat tart from last week again"
The girl said "What the fuck was that?"
I said "It's that bastard memory foam mattress"

The lesbians next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. It's really nice and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch..."

What has 20 legs and 3 teeth?

The Methodone queue outside Boots.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock. A lady asks " what are you dressed as ?" He says a fireman ! you break the glass, pull the nob and i will cum as fast as i can.

When travelling in extreme weather the Government advise that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.

I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Christmas Day will be like any other day, for me.

Sit down with a fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore...

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A woman goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but black gloves and short black boots. Puzzled, the host asks what she's come as.

She stretches her arms above her head and replies "the five of spades!!!"