Jokes

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blond says, "Well? what's up?"
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Two welsh farmers were rounding up sheep when a Ewe goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. They look at each other, then one says " this is too good an opportunity to pass up " so he unzips his fly and shags the Ewe hard for a good ten minutes. when finished he asks his buddy if he fancies some of that? Fuckin right i do he says..so he frantically pulls down his trousers and sticks his head in the fence....

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A doctor in an old people's home is discussing an elderly resident with one of the orderlies. "I'm really worried about Mr Jones" says the doctor. "He claims that when he goes to the bathroom, God switches on the light for him then switches it off again when he's finished. Do you think he's going senile?" The orderly replies "Nah, he's just been peeing in the fridge again."

i bought a ladder yesterday and i got a pair of tights in it!

i went to the doctors after i'd accidently burnt my finger on the grill, the doctor said to put margarine on it, two weeks later it was still sore so i went back and said, "i can't believe it's not butter!"

maybe you, like me, get halfway through eating a horse and think, "i weren't as hungry as i first thought"

maybe you, like me... or maybe you don't

i can't believe the price of hearing aids are going up, even deaf people are going, "how much?!"