Jokes

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tipp-ex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in
other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

^^^^^^^^^^

What's the difference between love,true love & showing off ? Spitting,swollowing & gargling.

A man and his wife are having sex in a dark forest. The man complains "Bugger, I wish I had a torch". His wife replies "Me too, you have been eating grass for the last ten minutes".

Tea-Bagging...now that's a whole different ball game.

A woman tells her friend that the florist had just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband. "Now I expect he will want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air" she remarks. Her friend replies "Don't you have a vase?".

I had a dream last night that I was in the Lord of the Rings. But when I woke up my missus said I had been Tolkien in my sleep.

a footwear salesman was bothering me, i told him to SHOE! LOL

What did 'Sushi A' say to 'Sushi B'?

Wasabi

A man takes his seat on a plane. He looks up and sees the most stunning blonde walking down the aisle. He can't believe his luck as she checks her ticket and finds that she has the seat next to him. As soon as the safety demonstration is over he wastes no time in trying his luck with her. "Business or pleasure?" he asks. His astonishment knows no bounds as she explains that she is going to the World Nymphomaniac Conference, as she lectures on sexual practices from around the world, based on her own experiences.

She goes on to explain that many stereotypes and assumptions are simply wrong. For instance, she's found that it isn't Afro-Carribean men that have the biggest dicks, it is the Native Americans of North America; it's not the French who are the best lovers it is, in fact, the Greeks; and the all-round best balance of caring, empathetic males that scored with her were the Irish. "But please excuse me rambling on like this, it's very rude of me as we haven't even been introduced. My name's Gina, what yours?" "My name? Er...my name is....

...Tonto.....Tonto Papadopolous....but my friends all call me Paddy!!"