Jokes

Some Steven Wright Jokes:

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

(16-07-2011 23:00 )mr williams Wrote:  (with acknowledgements to the original story teller)

Stupid People should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid.".......................Know anyone who needs a sign?

Yes mr williams I sure do................me!!!

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said "keep her moving sir, we're stock taking"

Your mum's so fat, when she stands on the bathroom scales it says: to be continued.

your mum is so fat, she sat down and got a parking ticket!

There's a knock at the door. I go to see who it is.

"TV license" says the guy on the doorstep.

"No thanks," I reply "I don't have a TV."

"Really? Well you have an aerial on your roof."

"So? There's a bottle of milk in the fridge - doesn't mean I've got a cow in the back garden."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Your mums so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

Mick and Dave are stood at the bar. Dave's showing off his tattoos. "Have you got any?" he asks Mick.

"Well, I've got a tattoo of a ship on my leg, I had it done years ago."

"Go on then - show us it!"

So Mick finishes his pint, and rolls up his trouser leg. "There," he says "it's on the back of my leg somewhere."

Dave looks all around Mick's leg, but can't see the tattoo anywhere.

"There's nothing there Mick - are you sure it's that leg?"

Mick looks surprised. "Are you sure you can't see it?" Dave shakes his head. "Oh well, it must have sunk!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing,

"It's a heartache, nothing but a fool's game!"

...I thought to myself - "She's a Bonnie Tiler!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

i thought i heared my next door neighbour's shagging last night' there where lots of moaning and banging on the wall ! it turns out that her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attenion with her stick !!!! i feel really guilty about that wank now !