Jokes

I parked my car in a disabled space today, & a Traffic Warden shouted "Oi what's your disability ? " I said "Tourettes ! Now fuck off you prick "

Spiderman,just another guy that ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

I went for an interview for a job as a Blacksmith.He asked me if I've ever shoed a horse.I said "No but I've told a donkey to fuck off ! "

Dwarf Police.... there not much cop are they.

There once was an old couple who had been married for fifty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

A Cement lorry passed me doing 100mph. I thought: "That's quick sand."

Maths problems,the only place where someone can buy 60 water melons & nobody asks why.

Spotted in Dear Deidre
I Spotted my next door neighbour's girlfriend sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I knocked one out I turned to see my wife, arms folded, just watching me. Is she a pervert?
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I made a chicken salad the other day, but the cheeky sod didn't eat it.