Jokes

Two idiots walking past the police station see a poster on the wall: Wanted, two men for an armed robbery. One says to the other: "I think we should apply for that job."

Went to a Karaoke bar last night & discovered they didn't play any 70's music. At first I was afraid... I was petrified

3 men come across a children's slide, and a genie pops out of it (magically!) and says that whatever they shouted out loud as they went down the slide would be what they landed in.

Man 1 slides down and shouts 'Gold'...Man 2 slides down and shouts 'Silver'...Man 3 slides down and shouts 'Weeeeeee!'

Gary Glitter, a politician and a family with 2 kids are on a plane.

The pilot comes out and says ''The plane is about to crash, but the problem is, there are only 2 parachutes. what should we do?''

The politician, wanting to sound impressive says ''We should give them to the children, as they are our future''

The pilot shouts back ''Fuck the children!''

Gary Glitter says, looking at his watch, ''Ooooo, have we got time?''

When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obssesion with Monkees,I thought she was joking...and then I saw her face...

A MISERABLE-looking bloke goes into a pub, orders a double whiskey, and promptly downs it. "Tough day?" asks the barman. The chap sighs and replies, "I've just found out that my five-year-old son has got the 18-year-old girl next door pregnant." The barman splutters "Oh my god!, how on earth is that even phsically possible?" The bloke says "The little shit pierced loads of holes in all my condoms"

My kids loved their visit to a funfair at an abandoned nuclear plant. It was worth every penny just to see the glow on their little faces.

U2 early Albums are being re-mastered without any guitars on them.It certainly takes the edge of it.

I took a girl back to my flat last night. "You haven't removed many bras, have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" I asked. "The scissors, mainly." she replied.

How come when your wife is pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?