Jokes

Dilemma,do I,wash the dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife ?

A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.

"Obscene language," the man replied.

"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"
"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"

"Indeed I do," said the priest

"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par three, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."

"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."

"No, I didn't swear then. The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."

The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."

"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."

"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."

"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"

Credit for this awful joke goes to my God-daughter's 8-year-old brother, and is appropriate as yesterday was Kirsty-Louise's birthday:





Kirsty

A BLOKE goes into a bookshop, approaches the person at the till and says: "I'd like to buy that book about coping with a small penis, please." The bookseller replies: " It's not in yet" The customer says: "Yeah, that's the one!"

Did you here about the constipated mathematician ? He worked it out with a pencil.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

i might've mis-heard, but i just heard someone ask for "arse-wipe" lemonade
(r-whites)

What does parsley & pubic hair have in common ? Push it aside & carry on eating.

Dick received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive..Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Dick tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example, but nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry, and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Dick put the parrot into the freezer. For a few moments, Dick heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming...then suddenly there was quiet. Dick was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dick's extended arm and said "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behaviour."

Dick was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask the parrot what had made such a drastic change in his attitude, when the parrot spoke again and said:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Why does a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat ? They both feel good,but you wonder who was there before you.