Jokes

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor. "Doc, you gotta help me lower my sex drive!"
The doctor says, "Mr. Jones, you are 80 years old. Any sex drive you have is all in your head!"
"I know," says Mr. Jones. "That's why you have to help me lower it!"

mrs w hates it when I wake her up, so tonight I left her asleep on the couch.

Let the firemen get the bollocking.......

My mate reckons he's developed a boiled sweet for sheep.

Baa, humbug.

mrs w came home from work and I said, "Nice day?"
She said, "It was pretty weird. People kept giving me funny looks"
I said, "Really, how strange? Maybe it's to do with the mirror I broke this morning?"
She said, "You mean ... the bad luck?"
I said, "No, because you weren't able to see the Hitler moustache I drew on your face while you were sleeping..."

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"

Sorry to go slightly off topic, but that story used to be told about the former Daily Mirror owner Robert Maxwell, who was wandering the corridors of Mirror House one day when he found somebody in a room doing nothing. As per Cheesy's joke, he asked how much the bloke earned, took out two months salary from his wallet, gave it to him and told the bloke to get out, blissfully unaware that he was a rep from another company who had been asked to wait in the room as the person who he was there to see was running late.

As this is the jokes thread, the two great Robert Maxwell jokes were:

What does "Mirror" stand for? - Must Invest in Rubber Ring Or Raft!! and

What connected the deaths of Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury? - they both had something to do with dodgy se(a)men!!!

And not forgetting, what do you call a man with no arms and no legs who falls in the sea......."Bob"!!!

A woman set off one morning on a round of golf, but it wasn't long into her round that she got attacked and stung by a bee. It was very painful, and she was a bit shocked, so she decided to abandon the game and head back to the club house.
When she got there, the club pro approached her and asked, 'You're back early, something the matter?'
She replied, ' I've just been stung by a bee, and it really hurts. I don't want to play any more'.
'Where did you get stung?' the pro enquired.
'Between the first and the second hole,' she answered.
The pro shook his head in a knowing way and said, ' Well that will be because your stance is far too wide'....

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty pound for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"