Jokes

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ? Slow down & use some lube.

My mates keep going on about this great new film that's come out about a runaway tractor.

I don't know if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer......

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding?!?! Who did she play for?"

My local pub has a Ladies football team you should see their number one, she's a keeper

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes to the Pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, he tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register,the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy : a 3 pack, 10 pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist, "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice."

The pharmacist with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited that you are going to meet my parents, come on in!"

The girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "You didn't tell me you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "You didn't tell me your father was a pharmacist."

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message - 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No
one could it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the
President he's holding the message upside down!!"

I said to my son
"Where are you going tonight all dressed up?"
He said
"I'm off to meet a new girl"
I looked at him and said
"Don't forget to wear a...you know"
"Wear a what dad?" He Said
"You know, put a hat on son!" I replied
"Do you mean a condom Dad?" He said to me.
"No I mean a fucking hat you ginger twat"

Everything my mother-in-law does is absolutely magical!

So I had her burnt at the stake.

i had a joke about amnesia, but, erm... i seem to... er...

i always remember this joke about never forgetting, what did the man who never forgot say? i dunno, but he definitely remembered!