Jokes

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

mrs w just found out she was adopted. She was devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they want me?".

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, she kissed me and asked me to make love to her, which led to even more tears.

On reflection, banging her up the arse and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" halfway through was a little insensitive I guess....

A bloke kept telling his girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blowjob....did she listen?
Nope...it went in one ear and out the other.


Was out walking with the wife this morning. She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it.
I replied there's about 20 stone in the other one so keep walking!!!!


A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.
She raced to the clubhouse and her golf pro asked her why she was back so early.
She told him of the sting. He asked 'Where did it sting you'
She said 'Between the first and second holes'.
He nodded and said, 'Then your feet are to far apart'.

i had a joke about amnesia, but, erm... i seem to... er...

i had a joke about tongues, but it was in bad taste

I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you're next."

They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*stard."

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Me & a mate are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from next door.I've just taken the lead...