Jokes

(21-09-2011 15:34 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  Me & a mate are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from next door.I've just taken the lead...

you won't win a lot with jokes like that!

If Carlsberg did weddings......

.....we would have seen Pippa Middleton's tits!

I went to the cinema to see Final Destination 5, but left the queue at the last minute as I had a premonition it would be shit.

Labels

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS Warning - contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Written on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDECINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning - may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children

The dog ate a condom last night.

Try explaining that to the vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse.....

We were talking about women drivers in the pub the other night and I started reminiscing about when mrs w took her driving test, and I was helping her practice by asking her some questions:

"What is a common road sign you will see in the countryside?".

"Er.....pick your own strawberries?".

I was pulled over by the police on the M4 last night and the copper said "I have reason to believe you are drunk"

"How do you figure that out ?" I replied "You haven't even breathalysed me yet".

"Please step out of the locomotive sir".

A little kid just said to me "What's your favourite Telly Tubby?" I said "Probably the Sony 52 inch flatscreen, you cheeky little bastard"

If I had £1 for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have £12.50

Being an Everton supporter on Transfer Deadline Day is like being an African on Christmas Eve. You live in hope but, deep down, you know you're getting fuck all!