Jokes

King Arthur has a beautiful wife. The problem is, the knights of the round table keep shagging her. He goes to Merlin, and explains the situation. Merlin says, "I've got just the thing." He pulls a out pair of metal knickers, with a hole in the bottom. Arthur says, "They're no good." But Merlin puts his wand through the hole, and a blade appears and chops his wand in half. Arthur takes them, and padlocks them to his wife. He goes away for a fortnight.
When he returns he lines up all his knights and tells them to drop their pants. All of the knights except one have half their dick lopped off. Arthur said, "You have disgraced the knights of the round table, Go away, and may I never see you again." He comes to the remaining knight Sir Lancelot and says, "For your loyalty, I will give you half of my empire. Lancelot said, "Fank you thirr."

i don't get why they say on the news, "if you don't want to know the score, look away now" then, about a second later they start talking about it! what's the point in looking away?! they should start saying, "you know the whole 'look away' thing? well, do that as well as put your fingers in your ears until i start jumping up and down, then you can go back to normal"

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K
...
3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Answers:

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.
.
.
.
.
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1. RANDOM.
2. FORK.
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

I fainted in the Curry House when I heard REM had split up...that me in the korma.

A little girl opened the door to her teacher.
'Are your parents in?' asked the teacher.

'They was in', said the little girl, 'but they is out now.'
'They WAS in! They IS out!' exclaimed the teacher, 'Where's your grammar?'

'Oh, she's in the front room watching the telly.'

A shin-bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing

Paddy & Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flagpole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem. He says "That's simple fellas, watch this".
He unbolts it, lays it flat and measures it. Paddy says to Mick, "Thick twat! We want to know the height not the fucking length!"

Latest News:
A specialist has been drafted in to help move on the gypsies from Dale Farm. Anders Breivik from Norway cleared his last camp in under an hour............!

Dear Deidre, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded watching me.
Do you think she's a pervert?