Jokes

Isn't it strange how hot and sexy women always drive cute little cars?
Which reminds me, the MOT's due on the Wife's Transit!

Paddy and Murphy were walking in a wood, when Paddy fell in a large hole and broke his leg.

Paddy: Arghhh, fuck this hurts, Murphy, call me an ambulance!

Murphy: Paddy's an ambulance! Paddy's an ambulance!

Reebok have released new Ultra Skin tight cycling shorts for women called "Mumblers". You can see the lips move but you can't make out what the c**ts saying!

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations"
but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bugger and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think its bollocks!!

I heard a local farmer was giving away Cow manure for free

Turned out it was bullshit

I get on extremely well with the two babes living next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me.
All I said was, "I wanna watch."