Jokes

calendars, they're so last year

Well I'm disgusted with Network Rail!! They have so lied to me!! They warned the public that if they stand too close to the edge of the platform You will get sucked off!!! Well fuck me I've wasted 3 hour of my time already waiting...and nothing.....hehehe...Mart Tilly-Fan..

11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a red head.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonising few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the red head gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.

A man, a blonde woman and a brunette woman approach a river.

Without a boat to cross the river with, the blonde woman decides to swim across, but gets caught in the fast current, as is hurled into rocks and dies.

The brunette woman tries to jump across, but lands in the water, and is swept into the rocks as well.

The man used the bridge

Argos said they'll deliver between 9 & 6,yet Nasa can give a smaller time window for an out of control satellite hurtling from outer-space.

An English professor wrote the words
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

After a day at the beach Moe asked "Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"?

Joe said," well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming suit. Then they will notice you!"

After the next day at the beach, Moe said "Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me."

Joe said" NO,NO,Moe, Put it in front! Not in back!!

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.She slipped her hand inside my jeans & squeezed my cock & said "yours or mine ? " I said "that's mine"

I thought that my latest girlfriend was "THE ONE" But after finding Police, Nurse & Maid uniforms in her wardrobe I realise that she can't hold down a job.

i was looking at a globe earlier, to see where i should go on holiday (joke number one, me go on holiday? i ain't been on holiday in about 10 years!... anyway, joke number two coming up...) i finally decided, i'm going to made in taiwan