Jokes

Primary english class, teacher say`s give me a sentence with the word charming in it. Mary puts her hand up and says "i got a new dress last week and everyone said it was charming". Ann puts her hand up" i had new shoes last week and mum said they looked charming" Little Johnny puts his hand up "Please miss, My big sister came home last night and said she was pregnant and my dad said well thats just charming fucking charming":bounce:

A substitue teacher is got a job in a tough inner city primary school and it is her first day'hello boys and girls my name is Mrs Smith I am standing in for your usual teacher Mirs Srevens who is having a baby. In order to see your level of development we will play the alphabet game who knows a word beginning with the letter a?'
'arseholes' shouts out a few of the kids
'right eh very good who knows a word beginning with b?'
'bastards' shouts out a few of the kids
the teacher is feeling a bit nervous can see where it is going so understandably decides to by pass the c word in the alphabet
'right anyone know a word beginning with the letter d?'
'dwarf shouts out one of the kids'
relieved the teacher says'very good do you know what a dwarf is?'
'yes miss its a little c**t 2 ft tall'

a bear and a rabbit are in a forest having a crap.
the bear turns to the rabbit and says
"do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
the rabbit replies "no"
so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
______________________________________________________
two blokes are discussing popular trends on sex,marriage and family values.
stuart says"i didnt sleep with my wife till we were married,did you?"
larry replied."im not sure ,what was her maiden name?"

a fella goes up to a girl in a bar and says
"you want to play a game of magic?"
she asks"whats that?"
he says"we go to my house,fuck,then you disappear"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

a wise man once said treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner.
once she stops sucking,change the old bag

you know your girlfriend is ugly when
1...she looks out of the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure
2...her armpits look like she has don king in a headlock
3...when she was born the doctor slapped her mother and father

lol,got a copy of sunday sport today,dont usually bother with the crap,but theres some good gags in there today

jimmy carr:its a good indicator that a woman fancies you if she touching her hair
if its her pubic hair,its a sure thing

zoe lyons:my friend took all the stuff out of her attic
sold it at a carboot and got a boobjob
thats what you call tit for tat

simon amstell:you know when yur lonely
when you start cuddling yourself after masturbation

a mars bar walks into a bar and starts to shout and raving about how hard and strong he is, next to come through the door is a twix, he starts to talk about the mars and he says dont touch him or he will break you nad that. Just has he says that a pack of tunes walk in on the other part of the bar.
All of a sudden the mars bar starts to shake.
The barman says " whats the matter "
The mars replies " you dont mess with him hes menthol "

lol

more gags from todays sunday sport

wil anderson:i was told to drink in moderation
im an australian,we drink a lot
i assumed there was a new club called"moderation"

rhod gilbert:panic buying is such a stupid phrase.
in times of panic people dont suddenly go shopping.
do you think as the titanic was going down
people were heading for the gift shop?
people buying titanic hats,t-shirts and mugs
no wonder the lifeboats were so packed
they were full of souveneirs

jack whitehall:i get a lot of shit for being quite posh
but as the old saying goes
"sticks and stones may break my bones
but fuck it,im with bupa"

ive been doing charity work with disadvantaged kids lately
ive been playing games with them like football and tennis
it really makes you feel good inside,because you always win

the best thing about swine flu is going by bus
cuz if you cough everyone gets off at the next stop
even the muslim extremist with a rucksack on