Jokes

there's a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.Oh my, I am so sorry: "The woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!! !"You know, "he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ""No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye"

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people.
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amazon!
Amazon who?
Amazon of a gun!

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time."

knock knock
who's there?
i done up
(i'll let you finish that one out loud... maybe in front of kids, they'll enjoy it... if you said it out loud and you still don't get it, firstly, stop reading this thread, and secondly, it's "i done up who?" which, if you say it right sounds like, "i done a poo")

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

A wise person once said: 'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!' and I would add that you should consider this: 'Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.'

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times:

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side....................and you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"You're nothing but bad luck.................. get the fuck away from me."