Jokes

I interviewed for a new secretary today & the last girl blew it.So,she starts tomorrow.

This Morning I came into the Kitchen to see my wife boiling eggs on the cooker

she said to me "make love to me right here right now"

I said "cant resist me eh?"

she said "no,the egg timers broken"

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Fred himself was unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. his friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful.

He said, hire a well-hung young stud to stand near your bed and WAVE a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. this way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm.

The guy hired the stud, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

Why don't you WAVE the towel while the stud does the job in bed, says the friend. poor fred agreed, saying he would do anything to satisfy his wife.
He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions.
naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the young stud and said, you see!! that's how you WAVE the f****** towel!

Fred himself was unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. his friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful.

He said, hire a well-hung young stud to stand near your bed and WAVE a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. this way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm.

The guy hired the stud, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places. poor fred agreed, saying he would do anything to satisfy his wife.
He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions.
No one was satisfied and freds wife got tired waving the towel.

Bruno Mars had a Grenade, and Taio Cruz had a Dynamite, so they both threw
them at Katy Perry, who exploded like a Firework. The bang was so loud that the
Black Eyed Pea's forgot The Time, while Rihanna had memory loss and ran round
saying 'What's My Name.' Eminem looked around saying 'I'm Not Afraid', then Willow
Smith began to Whip Her Hair, which scared Far East Movement who began to
fly Like A G6. Nelly then woke up and sighed as he said it was Just A Dream.

I was fucking my secretary up the arse,when my wife walked in.She said "you can't do this to me" I said "I know,that's why I'm doing it to her"

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean.
Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:
Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? asks a little old lady, terrified.

Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? asks the little lady.

Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.

I've recently started refereeing my daughter's Under 16s football team.

It's hard work though - you try running around for 90 minutes with an erection.......