Jokes

lucys grandpa died so she went to comfort her gran,in conversation it came out that grandpa had died while making love to gran,lucy was horrified that 2 people in their 90s were still at it. gran explained we used to do it on sunday morning to the sound of the church bells,nothing too strenuous ,in on the ding out on the dong.if it wasnt for that fucking ice cream van he would still be alive today

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

paddy suspects his girlfriend of shagging around,so he buys a gun and goes to her flat.sure enough he catches her at it.overcome with despair he points the gun at his own head.darling no,she screams,dont do it.shut up you bitch,your next

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

As the dog sat watching the orchestra,
he stared at the conductor and thought...

"Just throw the fucking thing."    

'THER'

It's neither here nor there    

I was shagging this German girl last night. She didn't speak much English, but I think she wanted me to try out some more adventurous positions.

I mean I've heard of a 'sixty-nine', but what sort of position is a "nine nine nine nine nine"?    

doctor,would you kiss me,says the patient.no you are a very beautiful woman,but its against my code of ethics.please,just one kiss,she pleads.sorry says the doctor its totally out of the question.in all honesty you you shouldnt even be sucking my cock

When our youngest daughter was about six she came home from school one day and said to to her mother “Johnny showed me his penis today”. Knowing that he was only six himself mrs w wasn't particularly concerned and asked “What was it like?”

“A peanut” was the reply.

“That small?” asked mrs w, smiling....

... “no, that salty”