Jokes

A family of diamond prospectors find a Huge Gem and are driving back to town when they are ambushed by bandits. The Bandits order them all out of the pick-up and search them. After a rigorous search the bandits find nothing on them and speed off in a hail of gunfire.
The Father Says "where the hell is the diamond then?"
" I've got it ! I hid it in my bits " His teenage daughter says Shyly..
"Oh Shit Hannah " says the Father " if you'd told your Mom, She could've saved the Car !"

A Hunter is out in the woods waiting for a deer, when a huge Grizzly bear comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. He turns round and drops his gun in terror. The bear points at it's crotch and Makes a blowjob gesture (yea, thats right, it's a joke).
The Hunter, petrified, decides his life is worth one blowjob and goes ahead till the bear comes then goes...
The next day, the Hunter goes into town and buys the Biggest Elephant rifle they have, then heads back into the forest for revenge...
After an hour or so, he feels another tap on his shoulder, Startled, he spins round to see the same Grizzly stood behind him. This time the grizzly orders him to take down his trousers and bend over. Inbetween his screams he vowed it wouldn't happen again...
So, the next day he went to the City and bought a rocket propelled grenade, then once again made his way to the forest...
He found himself a nice spot and waited...
True as fuck, an hour or so later, another tap on his shoulder. Wishing he was rather dead, the hunter turned round to face the Huge bear once again.
The Grizzly looks at the bloke and says..." you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Gay bloke going down the high street, sees a HUGE Salami in the butchers shop and skips in... "can I have that nice big portion of meat thats in the window please..."
The butcher gets the salami down and starts slicing it.
"Oi, " shouts the gay guy, "what do you think my arse is, a moneybox?"

It's a bit sick, a bit funny, but I was told it, now you can read it...

Two men and a woman are washed up on a desert island together, with no hope of rescue.
After a while, they start getting urges, and the men start looking at the woman a little different.
She tells them that she has The Clap and V.D., but if they don't mind that then they are welcome...
The end up shagging all day and all night for weeks, until sadly, she dies from her afflictions...
Disgusted by what they've been doing lately, the men bury the woman...
After a while, disgusted with what they've been doing lately, they dig her back up...

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

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A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflys. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figures that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!

This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.

Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."

The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.