Jokes

why was the washing machine laughing?

because it was taking the piss out of the undies

what's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

the genealogist looks up trees, the gynaecologist looks up bushes

what is dick van dyke's real name?

penis vehicle lesbian

I put ham & pineapple into a bap today,because that's Hawaii roll.

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I wish I'd known I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Teacher asks the children what their fathers do for a living."My dad runs the fire station.He's the Station Officer"Said Simon."Very good" Said the teacher."Anyone else" "My dad runs the prison"Said Billy."Excellent Billy,is he the guvenor ?"Ask the teacher.Billy replies,"No Sir,he's just the hardest cunt in there"

Latest news update says Bobby Brown was found dead with a note next to his body saying "Two can play that game".

Too soon

"Bobby Brown breaks down after hearing news of Whitney."

Hardly seems like an appropriate time to start dancing......

what is a quark?

a noise made by a well-bred duck

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.