Jokes

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.
Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.
The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.
"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby. He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo," I think you just blew a seal."
"No," said the eskimo, "that's just frost on my moustache."

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.
"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she pressed.
"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well did you jump?" she asked
"Yes, - a little bit at first..."

So this guy goes down on his girlfriend. He says to her "Why is your pussy so big? Why is your pussy so big?"

She asks him, "Why did you ask that twice??"

He says, "I didn't"

I saw a scarecrow having a wank in a field today. Impossible I thought, he just clutching at straws.

cheers guys quality jokes.bytor that last one is awful.....awfully funny,lmfo..i hope to post a few tmrw.

forgive me for this,if anyone thinks it offensive pm me and its gone

mary had a litte pussy,a teeny weeny hole
and johnny couldnt fit in his massive manly pole
he sucked her tit
he licked her clit
and tried to squeeze it in
but nowt seemed to work,he cudnt bloody win
so mary dranka lot of wine,and done a bit of grass
and just as she was passing out he shoved it in her arse

a waitress in a new york restaurant notices 3 japanese businessmen furiously masturbating."what the hell are you doing"she yells,
one of them replies"we are all very hungry",menu said first come,first served.

an 18 year old lad comes home and says"dad,i had my first blow job today"dad is delighted and asks"how did it feel?"
"not to bad"replies the son"but my jaw aches and it left a funny taste in my mouth"

a man walks into a jewelers,unzips his keks and puts his knob on the counter.
the lady serving says"this is a clock shop,not a cock shop"
the bloke says"yeah i know,i need you to put two hands and a face on this"