Jokes

A young man takes his Chinese girlfriend on a date. After a night of drinking they go back to his place and end up in the bedroom. "What do you fancy doing?" asks the girl, "I'm up for anything." The boyfriend replies "okay, I'd quite like some 69." The girl replies "oh get stuffed - I'm not cooking at this time of night"

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.My money's on Dave.

Teeth..the difference between The Jeremy Kyle Show & The Jeremy Kyle Show U.S.A.

My girlfriend's up for most things in bed.So last night I asked her "While I fuck you may I shove a can of deodorant up your arse ?" "Sure" she said "if you want"

I walked on the set of BS Apprentice the other day to find all the girls staring at a carton of orange juice,when I asked them what they were doing,they said it says "concentrate"

Another Reworking

i was in ireland buying deodorant, and the man said, "aerosol?" i said, "hey, i'm a visitor in your country"

(aerosol sounds like arsehole in an irish accent)

Dwarf mugging,how could anyone stoop that low.

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "Complete" and "Finished"
When you marry the right one,you are "Complete".
When you marry the wrong one,you are "Finished".
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one,your "Completely" "Finished"

Three friends-two straight guys one gay guy and their significant others were on a cruise.A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned,and next thing you know ,they're standing before St.Peter
First came the straight guy:St.Peter says,Sorry i can't let you in,in life you loved money and even married a girl named penny.
Second straight guy walks up:St.Peter says,Sorry I can't let you in,in life you loved food and even married a girl called patti.
The gay guy then looks at his partner and whispers,'i think we've got a problem Dick'

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."