Jokes

State Of The Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the end of the bar. He looked worse for wear and kind of sad so I went over.

"Hey mate, you ok?" I asked.

"What a fucking day." he moaned. "My boss wants to kill me, I lost my job and my family too - my wife wants a divorce and my kids won't speak to me."

"Fuck. What happened?"

"I went round to my boss's place this morning. Drop some papers off. He's not in but his old lady is. And she's a looker, even at 56. Anyway, one thing leads to another and after a few drinks I'm fucking her up the ass on the kitchen table. Which is when the boss came in."

"Ouch." I winced. "Unlucky, mate. And the family bit?"

"Well I work for my father-in-law."

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."

I asked my wife that if I won the lottery what would she do?
She said that she'll take half and leave me.
I said, "Here's a fiver, I just won 10 pounds on the scratch card. Now fuck off."

So Much Fun

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

A man calls 999....

Operator: Emergency services....
Man: I think my wife is dead....
Operator: right, have you checked for any vital signs yet?
Man: yeah, i've stuck my cock in her arse three times now and she hasn't complained once.

A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row.

"What's your name, Private?"

"Pizza."

"I don't think you heard me son. I didn't ask your favourite fucking food. What's your name?"

"Pizza."

"You think you're smart son? I don't want nicknames or any of that street shit. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your fucking name."

"Pizza."

The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the shit out of him then calls to another lad.

"Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this sack of shit to the medical room!"

"Yes sir" replies the soldier "And what shall I do with Pete's rifle?"