Jokes

I think it's very sad when you see people constantly on Twitter and letting it take over their life #getalife

I'll act my age when I'm 69.

I got pulled over the other day.

'Do you know what speed you were doing?'

I replied 'Look officer you've got the wrong guy, I only do cocaine'

I got pulled over the other day

The officer said "Your pissed sir"

I said "Thank fuck!,I thought my steering was away!!"

2 Traffic Cops are alarmed to see a woman fall out of the passenger side of a car whilst travelling along at some speed. As one cop attends to the woman the other pursues the car for 5 miles before catching the driver and pulling him over.

"Do you realise your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?" said the cop

the driver replied "thank fuck for that I thought I'd gone deaf"

3 Shots of Whiskey

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

The Big Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

This morning I got a call from an attractive female friend saying that she found me handsome, charming and witty and wanted us to be together. For hours it felt like I was walking on air until I remembered its April the FUCKING 1st!

The only reason obesity exists is because bullying has been banned.

I read that some university wanted to do research on the differences between men who watch porn and men who don't.
They had to cancel the research because there was no one to be selected for the second group.

The university is still nominated for the Well No Shit Sherlock-award 2009 though.