Jokes

a mum finds an s&m mag under her sons bed.she shows it to her husband and asks
"what do you think we should do?"
"im not sure"he replies,"but we probably shouldnt spank him"

an old lady goes to a nightclub to try her luck,when shes there she see,s all the young men,and cant contain herself.she jumps on stage grabs the mic and says"whoever can correctly guess my age can fuck me"
one lad cockily shouts out"140"
the gran replies"thats close enough you lucky man"and jumps on him

"what does a lawyer have in common with sperm?
they both have a have 50 million to 1 chance of becoming human"

sorry for that one,blame stephen fry.

what is religious sex?nun in the morning,nun in the afternoon,and nun at night

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?

A washing machine won't spit your load out.

a bloke and his wife are on holiday in jerusalem when she passes away,the local undertaker tells the husband"we can ship her home for£5,000 or you can bury her here for £150".the man replies that he wants her shipped home,the undertaker asks"why would you ship her home when its beautiful here and it costs so little to do a burial?"the husband replies"long ago a man died here,was buried and three days later,he came back.i cant risk that"

a woman asks her husband,"would you like a fried breakfast or some cereal?"
"thanks"he replies"but im not hungry right now,its this viagra,its really taken the edge off my appetite"
lunchtime arrives and she asks if he would like a sandwich
he declines again"i just dont seem to be hungry"
come dinnertime,she asks if he wants any food
"no",he says once more"im fine.this viagras ruined my appetite"
"well" says the wife,"would you mind letting me up then?im starving"

Tourist to Chinese Prostitute - " Do you take American express ?"
Reply - " You can go as fast as you like !"

a man is cupping his hand to scoop water to drink froma highlands lake.
when a gamekeeper spots himand shouts,"DINNAE DRINK THA WAATER!ETS FULL AE COO,S SHITE AN PISS"
the bloke replies"sorry,my good man im from england.could you repeat that in english for me?"
the keeper says"im sorry,i said use two hands you,ll spill less that way"

adam is wandering around the garden of eden feeling very lonely,so god asks him"whats wrong with you?"adam says that ha doesnt have anyone to talk to,so god tells him he,s going to give him a companion and she will be called woman.
god says"this woman will cook for you and wash your clothes,she well agree with every descision
you make,she,ll bear your children and never ask you to get upin the middle of the night to look after them.she wont nag youand will always be the first to admit shes wrong when you argue,finally,she will give you love and compassion whenever needed"
adam asks god"what will this woman cost?"
god says"oh and arm and a leg"
ouch adam says"what can i get for a rib?"

When I was a kid my mum would send me to the shops with 50p.
I could get a chicken, 3 pints of milk, a dozen eggs, a comic and a pair of jeans.
You can't do that these days........fucking cctv!