Jokes

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window ’Pianist wanted for evening performances.
'F*cking get in there you c*nt!’ he says to himself and goes to the bar.
’Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt’, he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
’Can I help you sir?’ he says.
’Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I’m here to audition.....w*nker.’
The manager is naturally put off by the man’s abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, ’Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?’
’That song, you big nosed t*at, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter’s eye, and now the c*nts blind...’
’Oh’ says the manager ’err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'W*nker..’ interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.
The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
’That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.’
’I see’ says the manager, ’Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?’
’Well there’s my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there’s the epic "I don’t care if you’re older my dear,you’ve still got nice jugs".
’Look’ says the manager interrupting,’I think you’re a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.’
’F*ck it’ says the pianist ’Why not’. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
’Hi’ she says.
’Hello’ he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, ’Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?’
’Know it?’ says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, ’I f*cking wrote it you c*nt!!!’

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

did you hear about the bloke whose wife left him,and took his bob marley cd,s and his satellite dish?
he has no woman,no sky.

lol.sorry this aint one of mine,heard this at work.

what did the termite say when her walked into the bar?
is the bar tender here?

Old MacDonald had tourettes....
E - I E- I - CU.NT!

God asks Jesus to go down to Earth and try lots of drugs so he can try to sympathize with the modern man.
Jesus asks his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him.
Mark brought cocaine. Matthew brought LSD. Luke brought weed, and that wee bastard Judas brought the drug squad!

I went to the local zoo yesterday. They didn't have many animals. In fact they only had one small little dog, it was a shitzhu.

A man goes to the doctors and says "I'm afraid to get married cause I think my cocks too small." The doctor replies " Get a job on a dairy farm. Every day, dip your cock in cows milk, then get a calf to suck all the milk off."
Two months later the man returns to the docor who asks him, "Well, did you get married?" To which the man replies "Did I fuck, I bought the fucking calf!"

The mother of caster semenya, women's 800m world champion, has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test. Earlier today she said "This is a real kick in the bollox for my daughter."

Top tips to save money during the recession?
Wife suggests that if her husband cycles to work they could get rid of their second car.
Husband suggests that if his wife would take it up the arse and let him cum on her tits then they could get rid of the nanny.

teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' and eat things.
1st boy stands up and says 'alligator'.
"Very good, thats a big word, any more?" asks the teacher.
2nd boy says 'predator'
"yes thats another good one, any more?"
3rd boy stands up and says 'vibrator miss'
After nearly falling of her chair the teacher says 'Thats a big word but it doesn't eat anything!'
"Well" replies the little boy, " My sister has abig silver one and she says it eats batteries like fuck!"