Jokes

Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or not."

The makers of Goal-Ref and Hawk-Eye Goal-line technology,have told Rangers new co they can't use the system next season.
Apparently it doesn't work with goal post made from jumpers.

I went up to a bird in the pub last night & said "Alright gorgeous,I hope you can handle a 10" cock ?" "Oh fuck off you creep" she snarled "my date's only nipped to the toilet" "I know" I replied "I've just been stood next to him at the urinals"

Sending A Message

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will

cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,

"Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

Q:Why did god invent the yeast infection?
A:So women know what It's like to like to live with an irritating cunt.

Mummy Polar Bear and Baby Polar Bear

A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on and iceberg watching an ice flow go by.

The baby polar bear says to the mummy polar bear, "am I a polar bear?"

The mother says, "of course you're a polar bear!"

They sit silently for a while, and then the baby polar bear repeats his question, and gets the same answer.

A little while later the baby polar bear says, "am I REALLY a polar bear?" By this time the mother is a little irritated, and says, "of course you're a polar bear! Your dad is a polar bear, your brother is a polar bear and I'm a polar bear, so you're a polar bear! What is all this nonsense?"

"Well, if I am a polar bear, why am I so bloody freezing?!"

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW.

Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap ?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner" he said.It took me 3 hours.

A man enters his local and announes that he'd like a bottle of champangne...the barman happily gets the most expensive bottle and pours him a glass..he tells the barman and all the customers that his wife has had the best clinical operation that a man could ever be adulated about...the barman asks if she has had a boob job...nope....sorry better than that...he continues to drink from the bottle...has she had a facelift?? nope..sorry..he swigs more champers from the bottle....how about a pussy tuck ? No...sorry buddy....he finishes the bottle...what has she had done..??
An autopsy.........sick...