Jokes

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

Q:How do you cicumcise a hillbilly?
A:Kick his sister in the mouth.

Q:What's the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?
A:A zit waits until your a teenager before it cums on your face.

A man has been convicted of having sex with a dog!
That's a bit harsh,I've often woken up with a few nine pinter's myself.

2 weeks

The proven time it takes Britain to completely forget one sporting failure and become far to optimistic over another.

My homeless girlfriend bet me she could beat me in a fist fight.
I outboxed her.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

After Andy Murray's speach,my tearful girlfriend said to me "why you be more like him ?" What " I said "be more sensitive ?" "No" she said "come second"

A man's worst nightmare

After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."

As I sat there licking my guitar,I thought to myself,"I've got good taste in music."


I enjoy a glass of wine each night for It's health benefits.
The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves,and to make my girlfriend more appealing.


The girlfriend walked in on me whilst I was blowdrying my cock the other day.
When she asked me what I was doing.
Apparently "Warming up your dinner" was not the best answer.

I said to my girlfriend,"Please get me a newspaper.
"Don't be silly," she replied,"you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit him.


I'll never forget that look on my wife's face as she lay dying in the middle of the road after being hit by a bus.
Thanks to the amazing picture quality of my iPhone camera.


I have heard that chumbawamba are splitting up.....
In memory,I'm going to have a whiskey drink,a vodka drink and a larger drink and sing songs that remind me of the good times....


I said to this fat bird stood at the bar,"Are you doing anything tomorrow?"
She said "Why,are you asking me out?"
I said "God no,we've got a rugby game and we're one short."

I was driving along today when I approached a fat chick, so slowed down as she jogged down the path beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted, winding the window down, "You'll be losing those pounds in no time!"

"I stuck my hand out you cunt!" She shouted back, out of breath, "I'm reporting you to the bus service."

Chris Moyles has announced his retirement from the Radio 1 Breakfast Show.It's the end of an earache.