Jokes

a little girl walks into her parents bedroom to find them at it,shocked at what she sees the little girl runs out screaming"and you tell me off for sucking my thumb"

a sister nun goes to her local gp feelins sick,and is shocked when the doc tells her shes pregnant.
the following day,she storms into the monastery where the monks live and shouts
"RIGHT THEN,which one of you dirty b,stards has been wanking over the candles"

Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream

Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block

One day, a father and son go camping and when they get there, the son's dad starts to smoke. "Can i have some, daddy?" asked the son. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the dad. "Nooo" said the son. "Then you can't have any!"

Later that night, the dad starts to drink beer. "Can i have some, daddy?" asked the son. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the dad. "Nooo" said the son. "Then you can't have any!"

The next day, the father and son go to the store, the son buys a lotery ticket and wins a million dollers. "Can you share that with me?" asked the dad. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the kid. "Yes! Yes, it can!" yelled the dad. "Well then, go fuck your self!"

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

a professer is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"you must be capable of two things to do an autopps"he says"the first thing is you must have no fear"at this point the prof sticks his finger into the dead mans bum and licks it,he then asks the students to do it with their corpses,after a couple of minutes of they follow suit.
the prof says"and secondly"you must have an acute sense of observation,you should of noticed i stuck my middle finger in his arse but licked my index

how do you know yur getting old?
you start having dry dreams and wet farts

after driving for hours and hours,a lorry driver decides to pull over for a sleep,as soon as he drops off,he,s woken by a knock at his cab door"can you tell me the time please"asks a jogger"its 4.30" replies the driver,and he goes to sleep again,but soon he hears another knock,"excuse me mate,do you have the time"asks another jogger,"its 5 am yells the irate driver,and not wanting to be disturbed again he writes a note and leaves it on his window,he writes"i dont know what the time is"and he,s just fallen back to sleep when a jogger bangs on his cab and shouts "its 5.30 mate".

a man enters the confessional,"father,it has been one month since my last confession.i have had sex with fanny green every day for the last month"the prirst tells the sinner:"you are forgiven,go out and say three hail mary,s".later another man enters the confessional"father,it has been two months since my last confession,i have had sex with fanny green every day for the last two months"this time the priest asks"who is fanny green?""a new woman in the neibourhood" the sinner replies."very well" says the priest say 10 hail mary,s and stop sinning".next morning in church a tall gorgeous woman walks in.everyone stares as she slowly sashays up the aisle sits down right in front of the priest.her dress is green and short with matching shoes.the priest and the alter boy stand amazed as she slowly spreads her legs in front of them,the priest says to the alter boy"is that fanny green?"the altar boy says "no father its just the reflection of her shoes"

why do men fart more than woman?
cuz woman cant shut up long enough to build up the required pressure

how many men does it take to open a beer?
none,it should be open by the times she brings it