Jokes

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last nights car crash,the doctors were trying to convince me I was actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity.

I wasn't Bjon yesterday.

I caught my grandad cooking sausages & burgers in his garden on a Ukelele.
"What are you doing?" I queried
He said, "I'm trying out my new George Formby Grill......

One bright and sunny afternoon this guy was on a drive down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red @$$hole of the asphalt. You got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow @$$hole of the asphalt. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're the blue @$$hole of the asphalt, and just what in the world do you want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."

While having a philosophical conversation with my mate about reincarnation I said "So how long have you believed in reincarnation?"
"Ever since I was a frog," he replied.

My mate asked me what I thought of his new girlfriend.I said "She has a big nose & I think she's a slag" He said "It's not that big & what do you mean you think she's a slag" "Not that big ?" I laughed "She nearly took my eye out when she was sucking my cock"

I turned down a lift from a twenty pound note today.
I'm just not driven by money.

My wife is one mean,angry bitch!
She's filing for divorce accusing me of saying she has evil warty feet just like the devil.
For fuck's sake,all I said was, "Hell has no fury like a woman's corn's."

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regret his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh,wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"

I met a guy in the pub who had the tip of his cock shot away in Afghanistan.
He claimed he still could piss further than anyone in the pub.
To prove it,he showed us a photo of him winning the 'No bell piss prize'.

"Women should be treated as human beings,and not as sexual objects that men ejaculate into."
I said to my girlfriend,as I pulled out and came on her tits.

2 blonde women were driving through the countryside, when all of a sudden they saw another blonde woman sitting in a rowing boat in the middle of a field. The blonde woman driving turned to her friend and said look at that stupid women in the middle of that field, and her friend replied I know it's women like that which get us blondes a bad name. The driver then said she's lucky I can't swim otherwise I'd go out there and punch her on the nose!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to his flat mate that he's got guts!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road, making sure he got safely from one side to the other?
He wanted to prove to his 2 flat mates that he was no chicken...

Why did the burglar cross the road?
Because he'd just stolen the chicken.

What is long, hard & full of seamen?
A submarine

A man goes to see his doctor, but when he gets there instead of the old man he usually sees he finds a beautiful young woman instead. At this point the woman asks him what his problem is and the young man sits there for a moment then says, well it's like this doctor when my girlfriend went to give me a blowjob last night she complained that my dick tasted funny so I came here for a second opinion.

Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Neither of them, I did...