Jokes

My wife's just asked "Do I look fat in these jeans ?" I said " Define fat" She said "Picture me sat on your face sucking your cock later" I said "No, you look fine babe.

A young English woman, whose brother who was stationed in Germany, decided to visit him by train. The German ticket inspector on the train punched her ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The young lady simply nodded from time to time to show him that she was interested. When he had gone, an American lady in the compartment leaned forward and asked if the young lady spoke German.
"No," she confessed.
"Then that explains it," she said". "Explains what",asked the young woman. "Why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

Postman falls into a coma.
Letters pray.

The Womb:
We've all been there

If anybody knows any good salad jokes,
Lettuce know.

Swedish Albino's
You can't say fairer than that.

I gave my mute girlfriend a diamond ring for her birthday.
She was speechless.

Q:What do you get if you cross a bad porn movie with a west-end musical?
A:Shitty Shitty Gang Bang

"Give it to me,Give it to me!"
"Oh I'm getting so wet!" My wife screamed.
I don't care what she says,I'm not giving her my umbrella.

After seeing how poor the Chinese are at the running events at the Olympics,I'm going to take my chance & not pay for my Takeaway tonight.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "oh I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Q:What's the difference between a Golf ball & the G-Spot?
A:Bloke's will actually look for a Golf ball.

Q:What do you get if you mix LSD with Birth control pills?
A:A trip without the kids.

Q:Why is sperm white & piss yellow?
A:So you know if your cumming or going.

My wife made me watch the hidden video she recorded of me masturbating so hard I started crying.
I must admit,it was a real tear jerker

3 men with speech impediments are in the therapy class,the therapist is blonde,petite,and fit as fuck.She says,if any of you can tell me where you come from with out stuttering I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth,she looks at the first one and he stammers BBBirmingham, next one stammers MMManchester paddy stands up and composes his self and says London,with that she gets his cock out and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had,and has he cums he sighs,DDDDDerry.

Optimism:- having the eternal belief that your always a third of the way to a threesome.

3 women,talking at a coffee morning,one is engaged,one is a mistress and the other one married, they all decide to treat their men that night by wearing black stockings&suspenders,black leather basque,black knee high boots,and a leather face mask.The next morning they meet to see what happened,the engaged one says my man took one look,jumped on me and screwed me all night,the mistress adds, me too, we had wild dirty sex till dawn.The married women says,my husband came home,slapped my arse&said,whats for tea batman.