Jokes

Congratulation to Nicola Adams for reaching the final of the Flyweight competition.She's had to overcome years of sexism & innuendo in the sport to get this far.I am really looking forward to seeing her box.

Keep the dream alive.
Press the snooze button.

Nostalgia:isn't what it used to be.

He who smiles in a crisis has usually found someone to blame.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,you'll have trouble putting your pants on.

Impotence:Natures way of saying no hard feelings.

To be is to do [Descartes].
To do is to be [Volaire].
Do be do be do [Sinatra].

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."


John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

It must be so shit being a Police Officer in Jamaica."OK so we have never caught anybody,Ever"

Big cats can be dangerous.
But a little pussy never hurt anybody

My Wife and I were on holiday and after a few Sambucas and hours of persuasion, she finally agreed to take it up the arse.
I was so relieved, there's no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in the suitcase!

I felt a bit uneasy watching the women's weightlifting today. The commentator kept saying some of the girls snatches were cleaner than others!

Police were called to the World Gurning Championships today after reports that things were starting to turn ugly!

Just been watching the Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball. There's already been a wrist injury but I should be OK by Monday!