Jokes

On seeing Elton John flash his arse at him,Michael Caine was heard to exclaim;
"He's only blown his bloody draws off."

I asked my gay friend what's the best way of removing a condom?
"Fart," he replied.

So it looks like it's gonna be Fatman & Robin upfront for United this season.

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Breaking News RVP has failed his medical at Man United. Doctors say its a back problem which was caused by carrying Arsenal for the past 4 years.

When I was just a little boy,

I asked my mother what will I be?

Will I be famous?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me....

"Shut up you little cunt,Eastenders is on.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

A pregnant woman who had been in a coma following an automobile accident gave birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."

From Peter Kay, --- Woman goes to the doctor and says "ive got trouble down there", doctor says i will have to examine you, please remove your clothes. The woman is down to her panties when the doctor notices a lettice leaf sticking out of the elastic of her panties. That looks nasty says the doctor, Woman says "and that's just the tip of the iceberg"----- just love the stupid ones

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Some geezer came up to me in a pub today and shoved a teabag in my mouth then poured hot water in.
He must think I'm a fucking Mug.

A frog just literally intentionally threw himself under my lawn mower.
I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.