Jokes

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being in the car.
The bartender being concerned because it was so cold out, went to check on her.
When he looked in the car,he saw the man's friend 'Dave' and his girlfriend kissing each other.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to his car,saw his mate kissing his girlfriend,then returned to the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!"the fellow chuckled,"He's so drunk,he thinks he's me!"

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head..?

Doug

My wife said "I feel that the romance has gone from our marriage" "Don't be silly" I replied,putting my arm around her. "Now let's go upstairs & I'll punch you in the cunt a few times with my cock"

How to get to Heaven from Scotland

A teacher was testing children in her Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered loudly.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was a resounding “No!”

By now she was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered in unison, “No!”

Bursting with pride for them, she continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted out,

Yuv got tae be fukin' dead”

Who cares if I can't spell Armageddon.It's not the end of the world.

I've just formed a band called The Hindenburg....

.....We're a Zeppelin tribute act.

My deodorant makes me smell like the beach....

Shore for men....

I went to a match yesterday,and one of the teams came out dancing.....

.....Apparently it was Charleston Athletic

(06-09-2012 02:44 )slinky Wrote:  What do you call a man with a shovel on his head..?

Doug

What do you call a man withOUT a shovel on his head..?

Dougless!!

I'm looking forward to tonights Tourettes 100m Final.
On your marks, Get Set, FUCK OFF!!

What did Snow White say when sitting on Pinocchio's face?
Tell me a lie.

A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.

"I need a woman to suck my dick," he tells the madame.

"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.

The sailor goes into a room with the girl, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:

"It's not getting hard, you know," says the girl.

"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."