Jokes

THE SPEECH THERAPIST

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b -b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.

'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.....................

'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'

Non alchohol lager is like licking yer sisters fanny?

It tastes the same but you know it just isnt right

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The little boy who lives under my stairs.

wee johnny bursts into his mum and dads bedroom only to see his dad giving his mum one
His dad just laughs and says "Off you go Johnny"
A little while later Johhnys dad heres a commotion coming from the wee mans bedroom
He bursts in and is totally shocked to see Johnny shagging his gran.
Johhny just looks up and says.. " Not so f*ckin funny when its your mum now is it dad???"

A bloke rings up his boss and says

'Boss i can't come in to work today i'm sick'

his boss says 'well how sick are you?'

the bloke replies ' well i'm in bed with me sister'

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up a dark alley.He asks how much for full sex? she replies " for 30 quid you can do anything "." O.K. " says Paddy and they get down to buisness,just as Paddy is about to shoot his load a cop appears and shines a torch in their faces " What's going on here ?" says the policeman." Nothing officer,i'm just having sex with my wife.".says Paddy." Oh i'm sorry sir i didn't know it was your wife " replies an apologetic policeman." Neither did i till you shone your fucking torch in her face!" shouts Paddy.

Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss.One wipes her pussy with her knickers,the other uses a wreath.Their two husbands were in the pub the next day, one says " i'd better watch my wife,she came home last night with no knickers on".The other man says " that's fuck all ,mine had a card wedged in her arse saying we'll never forget you,from all the boys at the fire station."

Un-fucking-believable,i was driving home from work earlier and i was breaking my neck for a pee,so at the next set of traffic lights i peed into an empty coke can,and much relieved i drove off only to get pulled over by the police.They searched the car and found the can,now they've charged me with possession of canapiss.

A woman is been given a tour of a new hospital.She looks in a room and sees a man watching Bang Babes having a wank." That's awful " she says to the doctor.He explains that the man has an incurable condition,his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it 5 times a day or he be in awful pain." Poor man " says the woman.In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock," explain that? " she says to the doctor.The doctor says " same condition but he's with BUPA ".