Jokes

A husband says to his wife,
"Shall we try a different position tonight"?
The wife replies,
"Sure...you stand by the ironing board, while i sit on the sofa and fart!".

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?"

"Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."

I saw a pitbull gripping onto some defenceless old man's arm earlier,so I stuck my finger up his arse in the hope he would let go.

"Get your finger out my arse,you prick," said the old man.

A new vicar is up early one sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a packet of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers comes up to him and says,
"Good morning vicar, how be you and your wife?"

The vicar replies, "Good morning my man, i'm fine and the wifes fine also. I left her in bed smoking".

The villager says, "Arr, vicar, that's the way to shag em!".

A woman walks up to a little old man, rocking in a chair on his porch and says to him,

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, whats your secret for a long happy life?"

The man replies,

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise"

"Thats amazing" the woman says. "How old are you?"

"Twenty- six", says the man.

"A vodka martini please mate" I said as I pushed my way infront of two massive women in the cocktail bar. "That's very rude" one of the said "just for that you can buy ours ! That'll be two margaritas" "& two cheese & tomato pizzas for these two fat cunts please" I added.

A husband and wife revisit the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary.
The wife asks her husband,
"When you first saw me naked, what went through your mind?"
The husband replies,
"All i wanted to do was suck your boobs dry".
"What are you thinking now?" the wife asks as she undresses.
The husband quickly replies:
"It looks like i did a pretty good job".

This pervert phones the Mrs and asks "Have you got a tight bald cunt"?
"Yes", she replies-"He's sitting on the sofa, who should I say is calling?"

The new One Direction dolls have just been launched and already Barbie has received over a thousand death threats to keep away from them

What do a police car and a woman have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

What have a walrus and a coke bottle got in common?
They both like a tight seal.

What qualifications do you need to be a roadsweeper?
None. You just pick it up as you go along.