Jokes

Three old men are sat around talking about their aches, pains and various bodily dysfunctions.
A seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven, and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse than that. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a shit."
The ninety year old says, "At seven I piss like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!!"

Chatting to a fit bird last night in my local,I say,"What's your name then?"

"Carmen," she says,"Cos I like Cars & Men...."What's your name?"

"Charliebeerfanny,"

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Little Tommy is sitting in class and the teacher says,

"Today children, we are going to learn multi- syllable words. Does anyone have an example of such a word?"

Tommy puts his hand up. "Me miss, me! me! me!"

"Ok Tommy" says the teacher. " Whats your word?"

Tommy says, "Mas-tur-bate, miss"

The teacher smiles nervously and says, "Gosh Tommy, thats a mouthful."

Tommy replies, "No miss. You're thinking of fel-a-tio."

I pulled a heavy duty Munter last night down the boozer. Fuck me, she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a Chip Pan... had more hands up her than Sooty... been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe... got a face that could make an onion cry... a fanny like a yawning donkey... so ugly that even a sniper wouldn't take her out... been shot over more times than Sarajevo... has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout... been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun... an arse like a bag of spanners... a belly bigger than Santa Claus.

Still, at the end of the day, a shag's a shag!!

A nun was walking through the convent grounds when one of the priests noticed she was putting on weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Mary?" he inquired.

"No father just a little gas."

A month later the same priest noticed she'd put on more weight.

"Gaining some weight, are we sister Mary?"

"No father, just a little gas."

Three months later the priest saw sister Mary pushing a pram around the convent. He leaned over, looked in the pram and said:

"Cute little fart is'nt he."

My wife accused me of being a chav earlier....

....I'm not standing for this I thought,so I grabbed my white lightning,put on my shoes and trakcsuit bottoms and fucked off down the park.

Over the dinner table my wife noticed a fly on my food.As she prepared to shoo it away I stopped her. "No,leave it" I said "It's the only thing on my plate that isn't fucking burnt.

A small boy caught his parents having sex.

"Dad what are you doing" he asked.

Embarassed the father spluttered:

"Er, i'm filling your mother's tank"

"Well" said the boy, "You'd better get a model that gets better mileage, because the postman filled her this morning."

The missus surprised me today by coming home early.
"Found a job yet?" she asked me.
"Nope." I replied. "But I was just on the phone to someone before you turned up."
She said, "Oh yeah? Who was that?"
"One of the women on Babestation."