Jokes

Women are just like cartons of orange juice. It's not the shape or size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking flaps open!.

On a train from London to Manchester, an American is berating an Englishman sat opposite him.

"You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me, i have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that."

"Very sporting of your mother", the Englishman replies.

Dave went to the Doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctor asked "I bet that's annoying your wife?"
Dave replied "To be honest, it's getting on her tits..."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking upthe phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

A girl is waiting to enter Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St Peter,
"Whats going on". He says,
"Thats the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe i'd rather go to hell."
St Peter says, "But down there its hot, smelly and you have to fornicate with anything that moves."
She says, "Thats ok, I've already got the holes for that."

I was watching TV this afternoon when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."
"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"
"Ever what?" she replied.
"You know.." I said, "Don't you ever, you know..?"
"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.
"Don't you ever shut the fuck up?"

A man is in a butcher's in Glasgow. The butcher is out the back, by a radiator. The man is looking at the counter and shouts,
" Is this your Ayrshire bacon?"
The butcher shouts back,
"No i'm just warming my hands."

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in his recent survey of his,to check on a discrepancy.
He asks the bloke,"In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered,'Twice Weekly,' Your wife on the other hand answered'Several Times,' a night!!"
"That's right," the bloke replies,"And that's how It's going to stay,until our second mortgage is paid off!!"

A man was sitting on a train opposite a girl in a short skirt. Although he tried not to stare, he couldn't take his eyes off her, as she wasn't wearing any knickers. Realising what was going on, she asked him:
"Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Er,yes i'm sorry."
"Its ok", said the girl. "My pussy's very talented. Watch this i'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough it blew a kiss at him.
"That's not all", she boasted. "I can also make it wink"
Sure enough, she made it wink at him.
"Come and sit next to me", she said, patting the seat. "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
"My god! said the man. "Can it whistle too?"