Jokes

My girlfriend says rthat I'm rubbish at looking after animals.
That's bollocks. My pet fish looks really relaxed lying in his cage right now.
________________________
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
________________________
Apparently, in Thailand, they're selling coffee that has passed through an elephant.
I was thinking of marketing coffee that has passed through me. It's called PISS.
Unfortunately, when I did some market research, I found that several coffee shops had beaten me to it.

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown
bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller
that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit,
in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large
sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the
bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in
fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation
to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller
escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited
her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his
curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened
to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional
sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll
bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to
back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she
promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking
to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution
he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home
early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved
to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept.
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the
unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour,
accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was,
she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along
when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular
bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering
the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the
circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his
pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in
the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and
replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before 10 A.M. today I'd
have the president of the bank by the balls."

A couple married forty years were revisiting places they went on their honeymoon.
Driving through the secluded countryside,they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said,"Sweetheart,let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stops the car,His wife backed up against the fence,and he immediately jumped her bones like a Bear on Salmon.
They made love like never before.
Back in the car the guy says,"Darlin',you sure never moved like that forty years ago..or any time since that I can remember."
The woman replies,"Forty years ago,the goddamn fence wasn't electrified."

According to the majority of sex therapists, the most effective form of arousing a man is to lick his ears. Personally i think its bollocks.

A rich, dying man, laid on his deathbed, requested to be joined at his bedside by his vicar, his bank manager and his lawyer.

He instructed them that he wished to be buried, when he finally passed away, along with all his money. He gave each of them fifty thousand pounds and asked them to throw the money on top of his coffin, in the burial plot, when he died.

A couple of days later the old man passed away and was buried within the week. At the wake, the three men were chatting and the vicar was suddenly overcome with guilt. He confessed to the other two that he had only thrown only half of the money onto the coffin, as the church needed urgent repairs to the roof. The bank manager thought, ‘What the heck if we are having a confession,’ and told the other two men that he had also only thrown half the money in, as the ‘Credit Crunch’ was hitting hard and he needed some money for the bank to stop it going bust. The lawyer jumped up and said to the other two, ‘I think that is a shameful act on both of you. I threw a cheque in for the full amount!”

On the night of a Halloween costume party,a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits.
After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she comes back completely naked with a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a weird look,and then the husband says,"If your going as a sour-puss,I'm going as a Dictator."

Three gay men died,and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said,"My Carl was a good fisherman,so I'm going to scatter his ashes in his favorite lake."

The second man said,"My Benny loved to fly,so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The third man said,"My Jim was such a great lover,I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a Vindaloo,so he can tear my arse up just one more time."

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him but he can't hear him,so the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning 'I',he then points to his knee,meaning 'Need',then he starts moving his hand back and forth in a 'Hand Saw' motion.
The worker on the ground floor nods his head,pulls down his pants,whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on the 5th floor gets pissed off,runs down to the ground floor and says,"What the fuck is your problem? I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy replies, "I knew that! I was trying to tell you..I'm coming!"

Did you hear about the man who went to see his guru but he wasn't ommmmmm.

Whats the motto for the Eskimo Lottery?
You've got to be Inuit to win it.

Why are women like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.