Jokes

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were married right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

The woman who's just drove past me on the motorway was either letting out a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.

I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.

I staggered over and said, "Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a threesome?"

"You're drunk aren't you?" they asked.

"No," I slurred, "What makes you think that?"

They said, "I'm standing here on my own."

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. Judy, the first blonde,
plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Buffie, the second blonde,
in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the
bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure
you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank
in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes into the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One
minute passes... two minutes pass... seven minutes pass... and Judy
is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here
comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it
to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car,
the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The
guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is
firing his gun. As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are
such a bird brain! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie
up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"

Sex is like Mathematics - add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply.

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation . He said "it must be very stressful for your wife " I said "to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits " .

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. Before long the monkey is going crazy. It's doing flips on the bar, it grabs some napkins and eats them, grabs some olives and eats them, it jumps over to the pool table grabs a pool ball and eats that.
Now the bartender is pissed and yells at the guy. "What the hell Mister your monkey is crazy!!" The guy apologizes and says, "Yeah I know, I'm real sorry. But don't worry I'll pay for everything." So he pays for his beer, the napkins, and the olives, he even pays for the pool ball and then he leaves.
About a week goes by and the same guy comes back to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders his beer and the monkey flips out again. This time he grabs a cherry, sticks it in his ass and then eats it. The bartender says, "What the fuck, your monkey is crazier than ever!!" The guy says "Yeah I know but after the pool ball now he checks for size first."

"I've got some good news and some bad news,"the doctor says to his patient.
"What's the bad news?"asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is taken aback,"What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,"You see that blonde with the big breast,tight arse,and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"the patient nods his head and the doctor replies,"Im fucking her tonight!"

A woman is in a coma and the nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her 'private area' and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened,telling him,"Crazy as this sounds,maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical,but they assure him they'll close the curtains for privacy,and besides it was worth a try.
Finally the husband agrees and goes into the room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there,pulling up his pants and says.."I think she choked to death."

There were three women. a brown headed one, a brunette and a blonde. They were talking, then they started talking about sex. The brown headed one said I'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had sex doggy style!.