Jokes

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole.

Despite his renowned intelligence, Plato was a debauched womaniser who inspired generations of Feel Lotsa Furs.

Slang Definitions
Abra-Kebabra=A magic act performed on Saturday night,where fast food vanishes down the performers throat,& then reappear on a taxi floor.
Aussie Kiss=Similar to a French kiss,but given down under.
Back end of the Bat mobile=The state of your brass eye after a particulary hot curry.
Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner=A Homosexual.
Beer Coat=The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Beer Compass=The invisible device that ensures your safe return home after a booze cruise.
Bone of Contention=A Hard-on that causes an argument. .e.g.One that arises when a man is watching beach volleyball on T.V with his girlfriend.
BVH=Blue-Veined-Hooligan,The 1-eyed skinhead.
Budgie's Tongue,Wee Man in the Boat,Tongue Punchbag=The Female erection.
Cider Visor=Beer goggles for the young drinker.
Cliterature=One handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo=The bowel movement that,needing to come out urgently,wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet.

To,B,Cont

Cont
Slang Definitions
Crappucino=The particulary frothy diarrhoea that you get abroad.
Double Bass=A sexual position,which the man enters the woman from behind ,and then fiddles with the womans nipples with one hand & her budgies tongue with the other.
Etch-A-Sketch=Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
Fizzy Gravy or Rusty Water=Diarrhoea.
Flogging On=Surfing the net for one handed websites.
Free The Tadpoles=Liberate residents of Wank tanks.
Frigmarole=Unnecessarily time consuming foreplay.
Greyhound=A very short skirt,Only an inch from the hare.
Hand-To-Hand Combat=A vigorous wank session.
Hefty Cleft,Horse's Collar,Welly Top=Description of a very large vagina.
McSplurry=The type of bowel movement you get after a week of fast food.
Millennium Domes=The contents of a WonderBra. .i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside,but theres F*#K-all to see.
Picasso Arse=A woman whose knickers are to small,so she looks like shes got 4 buttocks.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse.


I'll get my coat.....

What's the differance between a nun, and a woman taking a shower?
The nun has hope in her soul.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!.

Fernanda Ferrari is in a bar waiting for Caty Cole to buy the drinks."2 lagers please ,barman "says Caty .The barman ignores poor Caty and serves another customer.Once again Caty catches the barmans attention "2lagers please ,barman "Again the barman ignores poor Caty .Fernanda says" here let me try .""2lagers please barman"Straight away the barman places 2 lagers on the counter ."How come you served her and not me"? challenges Caty .The barman replies "I'm sorry Miss ,we don't serve shorts here"!...

A girl goes into a bar & asks the barman for a double entendre, So he gave her one.

A girl goes to see her doctor & asks him "Doctor are there many calories in cum." The doctor replies "Honey if you swallow nobody cares if your fat."

Q. What's the difference between a pink penis & purple penis?
A. The womans grip.

A man walks into a clock & watch shop, Unzips his trousers & slaps his cock on the counter.The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid,She looks him straight in the eye & says "Put that away Sir,this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man "Why don't you put two hands & a face on it."

Q. What is better than four roses on a piano?
A. Tulips on an organ.

A man walks into a pub with a pet alligator,He puts the gator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons, "I'll make you a deal,I will open this gators mouth & place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for 1 min,he will then open his mouth & i will remove my genitals unscathed.In return for watching this spectacle,each of you will buy me a drink."The crowed murmered their approval,The man stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers & placed his genitals in the gators open mouth.The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute,the man grabbed a bottle & cracked the gator hard on the top of the head.The gator opened his mouth & the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered & the 1st of his free drinks was delivered.The man stood up again & made another offer "I'll pay anybody £100 to give it a try."A hush fell over the crowd,After a while a hand went up.A woman timidly spoke up."I'll try but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the bottle."

How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

What does a woman's asshole do when she is having a climax?
He's probably watching a football match.