Jokes

Caty Cole is on who wants to be a millionaire and is struggling with the questions she's already used 2 lifelines ."well Caty you've still got phone a friend who do you want to call ?"asks Chris Tarrant ."Sophia Lares ,please Chris"says Caty .Tarrant makes the call "Hi Sophia it's Chris Tarrant here "Sophia replies in her sexiest voice "Well hell-ooh Chris please keep your call clean and no I can't get my boobs out until after 10pm !"

Q:What can you use used tampons for?
A:Teabags for vampires

Q:What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
A:What did you do to get that fur coat

An old lady asked me how to get to the hospital....
....So I pushed her under a bus

How do you say 69 in chinese?
Twocanchew.

Why do female skydivers wear jockstraps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

What do woman and dogshit have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Good: Your son is becoming a man.
Bad: He’s secretly dating the whore across the street.
Very Bad: Just like you.

Good: Your daughter has a steady, full time job.
Bad: As a prostitute.
Very Bad: She makes more money than you.

If Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then Chelsea will be left with no option but to make him captain.

The Lone Ranger is riding through the mountains when Indians attack him from all sides. They pull him from his horse and bury him in the sand up to his neck, ready to kill him. Knowing he's about to kick the bucket, he calls his horse Silver over and whispers in his ear. Silver gallops off and returns a few minutes later with a hot naked blonde girl on his back. She hops from the saddle and sits on on the Lone Rangers face, sighing and moaning as she writhes around.
When she's finished the Indians move in for the kill.
"Stop! I just want a quick word with my horse."
They agree and Silver trots over to him to hear his final words.
"Silver" I said POSSEE, you useless twat."

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

A woman walks into an ice cream shop and orders a chocolate cone. The owner shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of chocolate."
The woman looks confused, looks down through the glass at all the ice cream tubs, looks back at the man and asks again for a chocolate cone. The owner now getting annoyed replies, "Er i'm sorry we have no chocolate."
The woman looks again and says to the owner, "Can i get a litre of chocolate ice cream then?"
At this the owner explodes, "Miss do me a favour please? Can you spell the straw in strawberry?"
"Sure" says the woman. "S-T-R-A-W"
"Now can you spell the van in vanilla?" says the owner.
"Yes. V-A-N", she says confidently.
"Now can you spell the F*ck in chocolate?" the owner says smartly.
The lady ponders in thought and then replies,
"There is no f*uck in chocolate"
" Exactly!" screams the owner.

On the 1st day of college,the Dean addressed the students,pointing out the rules."The female dorm is out-of-bounds for the male students & the male dorm to the female students.Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the 1st time."He continued "And if caught a 2nd time they will be fined £60,And a 3rd time a £180 fine.Are there any questions?" At this point a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.The father & son are in the hotel lobby,when they spot an elevator."What's that Paw?"the boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in me life"replied the father.Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel & hobbles to the elevator,she pressed the button with her cane,And waits for the doors to open & gets in.The father & son still amazed by this contraption,continue to watch.They hear a ping noise & the doors open again,Out steps a beautiful 20yr old,The father looks at his son & says "Go get your Maw"

Sitting at home one night with his wife,a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air & catching them in his mouth,As the couple take in the latest episode of their favourite program,the man loses concentration for a split second & a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out,but succeds in only forcing the thing deeper. After a few hours of trying to get it out the couple decide to go to the hospital,but on their way out they meet their daughter & her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation,he tells them he's studying medicine & that there not to worry. The man sticks 2 fingers up the mans nose & asks him to blow & lo & behold the nut shoots out across the room. As the daughter & boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks,the man & wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says "what do you think he'll become after school, A G.P or a Surgeon?" "We'll" says the man "by the smell of his fingers,I think hes likely to be our son-in-law."