Jokes

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Little Tommy was watching television in his room one night and decided to go downstairs to ask his mum and dad about something he'd just heard.

"Dad, what's love juice?"

Mum and Dad are horrified. Dad gulps hard and says:

"Well son, i guess one day you'll find out anyway, so here goes." One day you will meet a girl who you like and you will become very excited and your willy will get very hard. You might want to touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel damp. This is her "love juice" coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse."

Tommy just sits there with his mouth wide open in astonishment.
Dad then asks: "So, now you can tell me what it is you've been watching that you shouldn't have."

Tommy replies, "Wimbledon."

A newly married couple decided that sex was a vulgar word for making love & decided that they'd rename it "Washing machine." One night the husband was feeling horny so he whispered in his wifes ear "Washing machine","Certainly not"she replied. After a while she decided that she might have been abit harsh with her new husband,so she rolled over & whispered "Washing machine",in his ear.He replied "You've got no chance love,it was only a small load & I've done it by hand now!"

A man & wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25yrs ago,the wife asked the husband,"When you first saw my naked body in front of you,what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All i wanted to do was f*#k your brains out & suck your tits dry." Then as the wife undressed,she asked,"What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if i did a pretty good job."

Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion - For every male action,there is a female overreaction.

A department is like a tree full of monkeys,All on different limbs at different levels.Some monkeys are climbing up some down.
The monkeys on top look down & see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up & see nothing but assholes.


The boss was in a quandary;he had to get rid of one of his staff,He had narrowed it down to two people Debra & Jack. It would be a hard decision to make as they were both equally qualified & both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning which ever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning,hugely hung-over after partying all night.She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin & the boss approached her & said, "Debra,I've never done this before,but i have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off?,I feel like shit."

I texted my missus a picture of my flaccid penis earlier.
I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her..
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
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A new study shows that women with big breasts are smarter than women with smaller breasts.
Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn’t really listening.

Two old men are chatting in a retirement home.
"I'm full of aches and pains today, Alf. How do you feel?"
"Like a newborn baby, Jim"
"Really?" says Alf.
"Yes" says Jim. "Hairless, toothless, and i've just shit myself."

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will make the effort to search for a golf ball.

Why is sex like KFC? Because when you finish with the breast and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."