Jokes

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation put prostitute.

The taxman said: "You can't put that- prostitution is an illegal occupation.

So she said she would go home and ring back with a more suitable occupation. An hour later she phoned back and said:

"I've got it- I'm a chicken farmer."

"How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution?" asked the taxman.

"Well, she said, I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.

After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

A young couple,just recently married,were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed,the husband,who was a big burly man,tossed his pants to his bride and said,"Here,Put these on."
She put them on,and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants,"she said.
"That's right!!"said the husband,"And don't you forget it,I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said,"Try these on."
He tried them and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said,"Hell...I can't get into your panties!"
She said,"That's right,and that's the way It's going to be until your damn attitude changes!!!!!"

Although he wasn't on a nudist beach, a man decided to go entirely naked. He chose a secluded spot but in case anyone happened to pass by, he covered his privates with a newspaper.
After a while a little girl came along and asked:
"What's under the newspaper?"
The man replied: "Its a birdy, and you must never touch it."
Soon, with the warm sun and gentle breeze, he fell asleep.
He woke up two hours later in hospital with a feeling of intense pain around his genital area.
The doctors asked what happened, and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
The police duly arrived at the girl's house to ask her what she had done. She said:
"Well i was playing with the birdy when it spat this white stuff at me.
I got really mad. So i broke its neck, trod on its eggs, and burned its nest."

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Q:What is the definition of confusion?
A:Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market

Q:What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A:Full

Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A:It's cute,but can you pick up peanuts with it

Q:What's pink and hard?
A:A pig with a flick knife

Q:How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:None,but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled.."Coping with darkness"

Got thrown out of the casino the other night, completly misunderstood what the crap table was for.

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go see his doctor.He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem,In response the doctor said,"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate,try startling yourself."That same day the man went to the store & bought himself a starter pistol.All excited to try this suggestion,he drove home to his wife.At home,he found his wife in bed,naked & waiting.As the two began,they found themselves in the 69 position,Moments later,The man felt the urge to ejaculate & fired the starter pistol.The next day, the man went back to the doctor.The doctor asked,"How did it go." the man answered,"Not that well...when i fired the pistol,my wife pee'd in my face,bit 3 inches off my penis & my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

I've often been asked,"What do you old folks do now you're retired? Well I'm fortunate,to have a chemical engineering background, & the thing i enjoy most is turning beer,wine,scotch into urine.