Jokes

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

A girl called Jessica keeps falling asleep in class,The Teacher comes up to her & says,"Jessica,tell me who died on the cross?" Jessica is sleeping so a boy pokes her in the back with his pencil.... In shock she jumps & says "Jesus Christ!" The Teacher replies "Correct" A little later Jessica falls back asleep the Teacher comes over to her & says... "Jessica,tell me who created the world?" she doesn't reply so the boy pokes her in the back with his pencil.Jessica once again jumps in fright & says "God Almighty!)
Teacher "Correct" A little while later Jessica is sleeping again.The Teacher comes over & asks her "Jessica what did Eve say to Adam after their 29th child?" Jessica is sleeping so the boy pokes her in the back again. Jessica jumps up & shouts "If you poke me one more time,I'll rip that f*#king thing off you!!"

A woman walks into a bar and orders a bottle of the finest champagne. She then pulls down her panties and pours the contents all over her pussy.
The barman shouts, "What did you do that for?"
She says, "I just won the lottery and this is the only c**t i'm sharing it with."

The funeral parlour called an 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that they could not close the lid of the coffin.
"Well, she said, "cut it off as close to his body as you can, then put it up his arse."
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow kneeled down close to her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear,
"I told you it hurt, you old bastard!"

A man walks into a library & asks for a book on memory. The librarian says "Fucking hell,another one"

Two buisness men in London were sitting down for a break,In their soon -to-be new store.As yet ,the store wasn't ready,with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other,"I bet any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by,put his face to the window & ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window,had a peek & in a soft voice asked. "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically,"Were selling assholes." Without skipping a beat,the old timer said,"Must be doing well only two left."

Two old ladies,One some what hard of hearing,decided to have their portraits taken.The photographer welcomed them to his studio & said,"Please take a seat ladies." "What did he say?"The deaf lady asked her friend,"He would like us to sit down." The photographer asked,"Can you please sit closer so i can focus the camera." "What did he say?"asks the deaf lady. "He's going to focus."says the friend. "What the both of us?!?"

I was telling my mate about an American girl I'd slept with.
"Which state?", he asked.
"Oh, she was unconscious."
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Rearrange the following letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect;

P N E S I

The people who wrote spine became doctors....
The rest are sadly the sort of people that are my friends!
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I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:
"Anything I can do for you?" She purred.
"Yeah" I said, "get your tits out."
"Ooh...you like my titties do ya?" She giggled.
"No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry."

A little girl walks in on her naked father. Intrigued, she points to his balls and asks,
"Daddy what are those?"
"These", replies the father, "are the apples of life"
Puzzled with this explanation, the little girl wanders off to find her mum and tells her what daddy said.
"Well dear", says her mother, "they might be apples, but did he tell you about the dead branch they're hanging off."

A man went to a brothel and enquired how much it would be for a good time.
"£150 for full sex, answered the the madam.
"£150! Your're putting me on" cried the man.
"That'll be another £10," said the madam.

A new mortuary in a tough town decided to promote its business in an unusual fashion, and draped a banner on the front of their building that read:
"Our staff will stuff your stiff."
Not to be outdone, the brothel madam across the street had her ladies respond with a banner too saying:
"Our stuff will stiff your staff,"

What's the difference between a Chelsea manager and Frankie Valli.
Frankie Valli had 4 seasons.
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The wife was gobbing off again last night, so I escaped out to the garage. "You love that fucking car more than me, you bastard!" she yelled after me. Too right, I thought. It's got a silencer...
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A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t! What happened next?'"